Friday, November 26, 2010

Interview: Jerry Armelli

Jerry A. Armelli, M.Ed., is director of an ex-gay and AIDS counseling group called Prodigal Ministries which he founded in Cincinnati, Ohio, twelve years ago. He and his wife Mia also operate a dance studio for children. Jerry is a NARTH member and has made numerous radio and television appearances, sharing his conviction that homosexuality can be overcome. He is interviewed here by Dr. Joseph Nicolosi.

Joe: Jerry, thanks very much for offering to tell us your story.

But before we begin with that, tell me what you think about the "Gays Can Change" advertising campaign. There's been so much of an uproar about it.

Jerry: The message in those ads had a very personal meaning to me. The ads said that change is possible--change in sexual feelings, and change in sexual identity. Gay advocates said this was a hate campaign. But it was not a message of hate. It was a message of life.

Joe: What did the message mean to you?

Jerry: In my own life, it gave me a wife and a child. They are the joy of my life, and they brought about a reconciliation with my family, and lots of other great things.

Joe: Were you truly homosexual?

Jerry: I was homosexual through and through, and then someone said I could change. Was this "hateful" toward me? I was depressed, I was suicidal; I thought, is this all I've got, this gay life? Is this my only option? It was death-inducing. So, the message that change is possible is not "hate speech" to me.

Joe: So tell us: why do you think you had a homosexual problem? Where did this come from?

Jerry: Well, I can go back to one of my earliest memories of my developing gender identity. I was probably seven or eight years old and I remember being in the basement of my home, and on this basement wall was an enormous bulletin board. On it were plaques, ribbons, trophies and team pictures of my three older brothers and my father. All of my older brothers were very athletic, and my father was a football coach and also very involved in wrestling and things like that.

So here I was, looking up at this bulletin board and saying, "I can't do it. I don't know how. I don't want to. I'm not interested. I'm afraid. I'm not like that." So I was judging myself in comparison to them, and I said to myself, "I just can't."

I remember a year or two after that, when I was maybe nine or ten, I was sitting on my bed in my bedroom. I remember sitting Indian style, and I was crying. I remember praying a prayer to God, "God, change me into a girl. It seems as though I have everything it takes to be a girl and nothing to be a boy. Please change me to a girl."

Well, I woke up the next morning and I was still a boy, so I figured God wanted me to be a boy, but still, that didn't make me feel like I was a boy.

Joe: Did you have what they call the classic triadic relationship--critical, distant father, over-involved, close mother?

Jerry: You know in actuality, it's kind of funny...my father was more affectionate than my mother was.

Joe: Were you afraid of your father? Were you intimidated by him?

Jerry: You know, I almost want to say the problem had more to do with my brothers.

Joe: That's an interesting point. Tell me about it.

Jerry: My brothers had a very intimidating effect on me. Even though they didn't usually tease me or actually mock me, but I would get looks at me that said I was less than them. It was like, "You're a jerk."

Joe: Contemptuous looks?

Jerry: Right. "You fool, get your act together!" "You're an ass, come into line!" You know? But mostly, I just became intimidated by it. I was just more social than them. I was friendly and relational. I was a peacemaker. I was sensitive in my feelings and less competitive and aggressive, and sports weren't appealing to me. I didn't understand anything about that world. I got involved in wrestling at one time, but when it came time to be in the competitions, I just backed out--I just got scared.

Joe: You couldn't relate to the sports world.

Jerry: I couldn't relate to it. It wasn't my personality, but I didn't know that, at that time. It just made me feel like, "So that's what boys are supposed to do, and supposed to be. I don't feel anything like that, so there has to be something wrong with me."

Joe: Science hasn't found any "gay gene," but psychologists do believe that certain boys might be more temperamentally predisposed to develop homosexually--which is to say, gentle, introverted, artistic, more timid--and like you say, relational. Sensitive to other people's feelings.

Jerry: Right. I like Dr. Satinover's analogy of the basketball player. There are certain genes that make it more likely that a person will be a basketball player--height, quick reflexes--but no gene will makeany man a basketball player. There also must be certain triggering conditions in the environment. I thought that explained homosexuality very well. Just because I have these qualities of sensitivity, nonaggressiveness, and relational interests, it doesn't mean I'm necessarily going to be gay.

Joe: Exactly. So if a boy is born with that temperament, into a family where certain dynamics exist--in this case, intimidating, aggressive brothers--he will be vulnerable to homosexuality. Freud said many years ago, and I have never seen an exception to this: If a homosexual has an older brother, it's a feared, hostile relationship with him. He was right on. But tell me also about your relationship with your mother.

Jerry: I remember following her around a lot, and her even saying, "Stop following me around!" I just think it was really comfortable for me. You describe that as the "kitchen window boy"--the boy who'd rather be inside with his mother, looking out at the other boys, than trying to fit in with them in their aggressive play. I would look out the window and say, "I wish I could do that...I wish I could be like them...I wish I had a body like them...I wish they would tap me on the butt like that...I wish they would invite me to come out and play." At times, I would try to get involved, and I remember them telling me, "Go sit on the curb, you're too small."

Joe: Were you small for your age?

Jerry: I was smaller than my brothers were, not because they were older, but because they were huskier. I was more slender and slightly built.

Joe: Were you sick as a child?

Jerry: No.

Joe: We sometimes see homosexual men who had chronic childhood illnesses, like asthma, that made them want to stay close to their mothers and away from other boys. They are often left with a feeling of masculine inferiority.

But it was your relationship with your brothers that had the most devastating effect on your sense of masculinity. You don't have any deep resentment toward your father.

Jerry: No, never did, except there is another dynamic, though. I'm not angry with him, but he just wasn't "tuned in" about the psychological stuff that was going on with me. He just couldn't relate to it. He was supportive of me in whatever I did, but basically he only knew about sports. That's how he had related to his first three boys. But when I came along and got involved in my interest of theater--a parent can't go to rehearsals. You go to a performance just once. There's no real opportunity for involvement. So he just goes to the performance and he hugs you and he's proud of you and...that's it. He didn't discourage my acting, but he didn't encourage it either. It was "OK."

Joe: So many pre-homosexual boys get into theater and acting.

Jerry: Acting's relational. It's safe. It's non-threatening.

Joe: We see a lot of interest in acting and role-playing in the gay world. I believe the gay identity, itself, is a role--a place of hiding from the challenge of a gendered world. Acting can provide a role through which to hide.

Jerry: That young, I don't know if I was even thinking I was homosexual.

Joe: Oh, no. It's not that you were thinking you were homosexual. You were thinking, "I feel different." That's the point here. Gay advocates would say that first you were gay, because you were born that way; and because you were gay, you felt different. I would say, first you felt different, and that difference made you believe you were gay. Homosexuality is the final outcome of feeling different and estranged from men.

Jerry: Right. It absolutely was, with me. I think part of my problem was that instead of meeting the challenges I faced when I was growing up, I tended to avoid whatever activity or challenge caused that feeling of inadequacy, of being different, of being "less than other men." I would avoid all of those things, which meant all of the things my brothers did. I'd avoid my brothers themselves, and their whole masculine realm. But in the theater realm, I was comfortable.

Joe: This is what I see repeatedly, the theme with the clients I work with, which is, "I always felt different. I never felt like one of the guys." There was a sense of differentness.

Jerry: Right. It was not because I was born homosexual or gay, it was because of this gender inadequacy and inferiority. The feeling of "not matching up."

Joe: All right. So from there, did you go into the gay world at all?

Jerry: Unfortunately, at the age of eleven I was molested by an older boy.

Joe: How old was he?

Jerry: He was four years older than me, already past puberty.

Joe: So he was 15.

Jerry: Yes. He was of an age where he knew what he was doing.

Joe: Many other boys like yourself had the same experience. There is a high correlation between homosexuality and early sexual experience with an older male.

Jerry: He was of that group of boys that I admired but hated. You see, there is another dynamic that comes in here. I hated those boys because of my defensive detachment from them. If you hate them, your feeling of isolation won't hurt as much.

Joe: You hate them, but you admire them. That kind of same-sex ambivalence is exactly what you see in so many gay relationships. It is spoken of as love, but there is almost invariably an element of envy and anger.

Jerry: I admired this older boy because he had the physique, he had the trophies, he had the position, and he had the male friends that I didn't have. I really wanted to be friends with him the same way the other boys were friends with each another, but we never had that kind of real relationship.

Now, there was also in my contempt and envy a hatred and bitterness because my childhood effeminacies had stuck with me. For one thing, this is because I had been modeling myself after girls, since I was simply more comfortable with them. Role-playing house--I liked that; it was relational, it was social. I realized that these sissy-like qualities really offended this group of males--and so I actually began to flaunt these qualities to make a mockery of the masculinity of the other boys.

Joe: That's interesting, because now the relationship becomes masochistic. To get back at them, you act effeminate. But to act effeminate is to put yourself down.

Jerry: It also creates a greater chasm, by putting me out of relationship with them even further.

Joe: Again, we see this today in gay pride parades; the marchers flaunt their effeminacy and their outrageousness as a way of showing their anger toward conventional society. But in doing so, they are putting themselves down.

Jerry: Putting themselves down, and yes, to make a mockery of masculinity. I think it is really out of anger. They are saying, "I don't want masculinity. Your masculinity sucks. It stinks. It's foolish." That's what was going on with me.

Joe: But at the same time, you were envying it and wishing you could have it.

Jerry: Right. I wanted that physique, and to have those close male relationships, and to do those things boys did together.

Joe: And so you see the ambivalence there is toward masculinity in the gay world. On the one hand you see that kind of aggressive, caricatured, "campy" behavior--yet at the same time, the single most highly valued trait in the gay world is still masculinity. As much as gay advocates say, "We've evolved beyond gender distinctions; we don't care about gender," whenever you read the personal ads in gay papers, you see "Wanted: Straight-acting guy."

Jerry: Yes, I think that is the root, there. When I see that I think, wow--if I was still pursuing that lifestyle, I could really see myself doing some of those wild things, too. That was where I was, back then.

Joe: So what happened next?

Jerry: That relationship with the 15-year-old lasted for almost seven years.

Joe: The one you started when you were only eleven?

Jerry: Right. It wasn't violent, it was seductive. It just went on. I just got hooked on the behavior. It was every week--maybe sometimes once a month, but it was frequent and regular. I wanted it; we both wanted it, whatever. I finally weaned myself off that at about the age of 17.

Joe: How could this happen without your parents finding out about it?

Jerry: We'd meet anywhere where there wasn't anybody around.

Joe: I see. I understand.

Jerry: So then, at age 23, I was in a show. A guy in the show appeared and was giving me a lot of attention, and I was really becoming sexually attracted to him. Up to that point, I had been like two different people, but finally, I was really more consciously admitting to myself that yes, that part of me really existed.

Joe: There had been that split-off part. "I go and do it, and it feels good, but when I walk away from it, I'm a different person."

Jerry: Right. Absolutely. Before, I didn't think about it, and certainly didn't talk about it. This 15-year-old kid and I, we'd been the only two people that ever knew about what was going on.

Joe: Yes. And I'll bet he is happily married now, with ten kids.

Jerry: Happily married--he is, yes, and with kids. So this time, a friend of his came up to me and said, "Joe's gay and he likes you. Are you gay?" And I remember a long pause and I remember saying, "I don't know." That was the first time I had ever let that idea come out of my unconscious--all this suppression of this sexual behavior with this other guy, and these feelings I had been carrying around with me for a long time. Finally, I was letting that conflict out.

So immediately, after that I said two things to myself. I said, first of all, "I'd better find out what's going on within me, before I do something that I'm going to regret for the rest of my life." Then the second thing I said, was...here's where it gets a little spiritual. I said, "God, if you say it's OK to go gay, I'll go gay. If not, I won't."

Those were two things I had to find out for myself, from that point.

So I went back to the Catholic high school which I had graduated four or five years ago, and I went to the counselor there who was one of the deacons, and said, "I think I'm homosexual." He was a great listener, a wonderful friend, and is my friend today, but he did not know how to help me. Then I told my mom, and then I told my dad. It was extremely difficult, but I'm glad I went to my parents.

Joe: Yes.

Jerry: My mom, all I remember is she had a blank look on her face. That's all I remember. I remember trying to start to tell her about ten times, taking a breath; almost about to say it, and I couldn't say it. I tried again, and finally I told her. That's all I remember. But I was even more afraid to tell my dad, because I thought, "Maybe he might throw he out."

Joe: You were 23 at this time?

Jerry: Right. So finally, I just asked him for health insurance so I could see a psychologist. I said, "Just trust me. When the time is right, I will tell you what's going on, but for now, just trust me and let me do this." So they gave me the insurance. I went to a Jewish woman psychologist. So my goal here was to find out if I was homosexual, and I did. I found out that I was.

Joe: Oh, is that what she said?

Jerry: No. She was really non-directive. I was so talky. As I was talking, I was basically coming out to myself. "I had this sexual relation with this guy. I felt this way." It was just admitting to myself, "I'm homosexual." She didn't necessarily name me that way; I don't recall that. But at least I'd admitted it to myself, and so I gave her a call and I said, "I'm done with you now, because I found out what I wanted to know, which is if I'm homosexual or not." She didn't say, "Yes you are," or "No you're not," or "Come back." Although she did say, "I'd like to talk to you first," but I said, "No. It's OK."

Joe: You see, that's the problem. I want to put something in right there. We're living in a culture that has created an artificial dichotomy -- "Are you gay or are you not gay?" A sexually confused kid comes in asking that very question: "Am I gay, or am I not gay?" So he sits down and the therapist doesn't have to say a word, because as the kid just talks, his strongest feelings are about guys, which therefore means--inevitably it seems--"I must be gay." But just because these feelings are strong and intense and there is a big preoccupation with them, doesn't mean a gay lifestyle is inevitable for this young kid. You have to teach the client the meaning of these feelings. 

This is areparative drive -- "You're trying to connect with the masculine." Just a mere description of the phenomenon, without any attempt at deeper understanding, would tell him he's gay...but going beyond the surface to the meaning of the feeling, of the drive, we can see that he's really trying to repair a deficit in male identity. He's trying to connect with the masculine, but he doesn't know how else to do it, other than sexually.

We're living in a culture today that sets up the parameters of the question: "You're either gay, or you're not gay." But those are false parameters. A better way to ask the question would be, "Maybe you think you're gay because you have unmet needs for male attention, affirmation and affection...?" So really, the therapist needs to be educated.

Jerry: Right; because I would go and I would talk, and in that whole process, the conclusion seemed to be inevitable: "I'm homosexual." So then I came out to one of my friends that was gay, and he took me to my first gay bar, my first gay party.

Joe: What was that like for you?

Jerry: A little bit scary but..

Joe: Exciting?

Jerry: Yes. I was in it for somewhere between three to six months. The gay parties, gay communities and gay organizations.

Joe: Only a few months?

Jerry: That was enough.

Joe: You thought, "Whatever I'm going to see, I've seen it by now."

Jerry: Right, that's the way I felt. And what I saw was a lot of promiscuity, a lot of backbiting, and a lot of gossip.

Joe: A lot of bitchiness.

Jerry: A lot. I saw men acting like women, and women acting like men, and even though I was effeminate, it was just way beyond anything I would... It was like, "Something's wrong here." I would ask them questions like--remember, I was on this quest-- "Could it be okay with God? "

Joe: That's right...You were still waiting for God's answer.

Jerry: Right, and I was also thinking, I've got to find out what's going on with me before I do something I'll regret for the rest of my life. Any questions I had in my mind, I wanted to face them, right then and there.

I was pretty bold, because I wouldn't accept the package being offered to me by the gay community. I felt like when I went in, I was handed this pretty little present in a box that said, "Everything is taken care of for you. You just talk this way. You just do these things. You go to these places. You sleep with these many men."

Joe: It's a package deal. It's like you were putting on a new coat.

Jerry: Right. "Here it is." And I was like, "No. If this is so right, if you believe this is so true, if this is so valid...then why can't we discuss this honestly and thoroughly?" I would ask questions, such as, "Our bodies, they don't really work together...What do you think about that?" No answer, or they just didn't want to talk about it.

Joe: Gay advocates just don't want to talk about it. There are two principles essential to being a gay affirmative therapist. Number one, "You're gay because you're gay." Period. No more discussion. No thinking or talking about developmental factors. Number two, "Everything you experience negatively in your life is the result of homophobia." What you need to be a gay-affirmative therapist is these two, uncompromising principles.

Jerry: I am so glad for whatever was within me to help me see the truth...whether it was my personality, my faith...

I had lived so long in denial. Denial of my wants, denial of my feelings, denial of my same-sex attraction, and denial of the molestation, for years. It was extremely frightening and traumatic for me. It was like there was another person who was homosexual, who had been molested for years, and now I was just getting to know that person, and it was ugly...and it was me. I was traumatized by this split--this homosexual self, a victim, a person who had been involved in sexual activity with this guy for six or seven years; and then, there was just me, Jerry--you know, who was just this everyday, normal, good, social, kid. Oh my gosh, you know. I was going through a psychological flip-flop.

Joe: Let's get back to when you said you were in the gay world and here is this little package delivered to you, but you can't get into any meaningful discussion, because the answers you get are always shallow.

Jerry: Right. I would ask the question, "You know, God says in the Bible about a husband and wife and their relationship, but it doesn't talk about a husband and a husband. What do you think about that?" No answer. They didn't want to talk about it. It was glaring.

I still had the morality in me even though I had had this sick, closeted relationship before, so I decided I was not going to sleep with another guy--not until he tells me he loves me, or he'll marry me--and they just couldn't understand it. They said "Stop screaming 'gay' if you're not going to put out." I was told that, in just those words. "Stop screaming 'gay' unless you're going to put out."

Joe: It's true. So many thoughts are coming through my mind. Whenever I work with young men--I'm sure you've had the same experience in your ministry. Whenever you see a 17, 18, 19, 20, 21-year-old kid, they all say, "I'm looking for love." When you speak to somebody in his 30's who has been in the gay world for a while, he's finally given up on that. At first, they really do believe they are going to find it. But a monagamous relationship is just not out there--and gay literature supports that statement. Two men may stay together as friends and housemates, but they're not faithful.

Jerry: So next I went to Dignity, the Catholic group that affirms men in being gay. At that time, it was what you would call "a gay bar, only without the alcohol." Dignity's message was not about purity, not about celibacy, not about faith, and it was not about relationship with God. Neither was it about Catholicism. It was about, "OK, pick up your picket signs. We're going down to City Hall. What bar are we going to after this meeting? You're new here? Come with me, I'll show you." I felt crude. I felt sick. It was terrible.

Because I was Catholic, I felt worse after going there than I did at the gay bar.

Joe: So what happened next, when you became disillusioned?

Jerry: I didn't actually get involved in a relationship, because I didn't want to do something I was going to regret for the rest of my life. Still, this molestation thing was something I had to understand and deal with.

Joe: So what happened?

Jerry: I fell into a depression because I thought, "If this is what being homosexual means, if this is all there is, I don't want it! It's not for me. I'll just go back inside of myself. I'll push this all back down. But, oh, my gosh...I can't." And then the thoughts started going to my head. "Just take your life. You're going to be unhappy. If you go back inside yourself, you're going to be unhappy. Just take your life right now."

I told some people about it, including the counselor at my high school, and he saw the depression and he said to me, "Would you want to join a prayer group?" And I said, "Anything. I'll try anything." I didn't know what to do...I was getting conflicting answers. Some straights were telling me it's OK to be gay, some were telling me it's not. As for religious people--likewise, some were saying it's OK, some were saying it's not. And of course, gays were telling me it's OK. I still hadn't found my answer from God. I was so depressed...

So I went to the small Catholic prayer group, and there were a lot of spiritual encounters. I'll tell you about one. I know you are more interested in focusing on the psychological aspects than the spiritual aspects, but I have to tell you---just for the spiritual wonderful of it.

I walked through the narthex of the church and I was going the doors of the main sanctuary. I opened up the door, and I put one foot in, and then I put the other foot in. Right then, there was a little voice that spoke inside of me that said, "You're home. The war is over, and you're finally home." It was almost like claws sticking in my back that had been holding me down for so long, and I hadn't even known they were there. And they just lifted when I put my feet in the sanctuary. I walked over to that small little prayer group, and an enormous weight came off of me, and a lot of things happened.

It was in that group that I met Jesus as a real living, active, involved person, at a time when I was really a mess, and a real sinner. He was the answer. I gradually made him the Lord of my life, and then the turning-around started to begin. The healing was through that small group that didn't really know anything about me. I just decided to follow the principles and the directives of being a Christian, which are so therapeutic.

Receiving forgiveness heals. In renewing your mind and going after your goals and dreams, and in building healthy relationships with men, and women, and family. All of those things that the faith said to do, I did, and oh my gosh...so much happened.

Joe: It worked.

Jerry: It changed my feeling and my identity.

Joe: We need more men and women like you to come out and tell your story. That's the only way we're going to win this battle. Because for thirty years, gays have been telling what I call "the generic coming out story." It's said to be a story of liberation, with a happy ending, and this is what makes it so attractive. Out of the desire to be understanding and compassionate, people just accept that story at face value, without looking at it any further. But there's so much more to the story than that statement, "I'm gay and I'm happy." This is why your story and others like it are so important.

Jerry: I'm very willing to share it, because I've heard the cry of thousands of men and women who are acquiescing to a life that they don't want, but they don't believe they can possibly have anything else. There has to be this option presented, just like it was presented to me. Let people choose, and give them support in making that choice!

Joe: Absolutely. Now you're married. How long have you been married?

Jerry: Been married over four years.

Joe: What were the critical steps, or plateaus, or turning points that got you to where you are today? Besides the religious experience, what comes to mind?

Jerry: Well, you know it is psychological, but it's also spiritual. I remember it was "Jesus, you're the first man I'm trusting enough not to hurt me, so I'm going to let you love me."

Now, that relationship can be a platform to then say, "You know, if he loves me and accepts me, then I have no reason to be afraid of another man, or feel intimidated by him." So he gave me a platform, and I could begin to take risks and be in relationship with other men. Finally, I could let other men in. Before, I had kept them out because they were hurtful, but I began to say, "They can't hurt me because my relationship with Jesus has taken the power away from them. They don't hold the keys to life; I don't need their affirmation; I don't need them to make me feel okay."

I remember weeping on my living room floor, pounding my fists, because I had been accepted into my first professional ballet company. I got into the Cincinnati-New Orleans City Ballet's Nutcracker, and I was the Nutcracker. I thought to myself. "Boy oh boy, now my brothers will think I'm great. Finally I've lived up to them...even surpassed them."

But the problem was, I just didn't get it. I wept. I said, "Jerry, you want your brothers' approval but you don't need it." It was from that day on that I understood, "Christ gave this approval to me, now I can give to to myself, and therefore I can move before men feeling as capable and as adequate as they are." I began to discover, "Oh my gosh ... I really am like them, and they really are like me."

Joe: And knowing that, takes away the sexual attraction.

Jerry: Yes--experiencing identification with men.

Joe: Because if you develop that brotherly feeling, there's no place for eroticism.

Jerry: Right, there isn't. It's so satisfying at that level, as equals, as men. Then I don't need sex.

Joe: Now let me ask you--a lot of people who come out of the gay life will say, from time to time they still have some fleeting attraction, while some, on the other hand, will say, "I have absolutely none." What would be your answer today regarding any homosexual feelings?

Jerry: I know an attractive man when I see one. And like most people, I have the capability within me to take part in a lot of different sexual behaviors. I could have sex with a group of people; I could act in a porno flick; I have the capability of having sex with anybody. But I don't allow myself to, and it's at the point in my life where it's no longer a struggle. I'd have to go through a lot of barricades--psychologically, spiritually and emotionally--to get to the point of acting on any temptation. I am very fulfilled in my life. I don't want homosexuality.

Joe: One of the things that ex-gay counselor Richard Cohen said was very good, I thought. We did a TV show together and the host asked him, "Richard, you mean to tell me now that you're married, you have no more homosexual attractions?" And he said, "When I have a homosexual attraction it's a signal to me that I'm not taking care of myself. In other words I'm not maintaining my connection with my wife, or I'm not connecting with my male friends, or I'm stressing myself out at work."

Jerry: For myself, I say, "I know what's really going on to motivate this feeling." And then I have to look at that. Also, I have to remind myself that I had six to seven years of regular conditioning of my psyche and my body biochemically, to respond sexually to another male.

Joe: Totally. It's in the brain, in the pathways--the neurological pathways. You can never erase that, although you can imprint new experiences on top of the old ones.

Jerry: Yes, I can...and my family and friends are a fantastic new way of living!

Joe: Are you sexually attracted to your wife?

Jerry: Absolutely.

Joe: It's a satisfying emotional and sexual relationship?

Jerry: Emotionally, sexually, absolutely; we both love sex.

Joe: That's great.

Jerry: Yes. It is. We're blessed. Sometimes we cry after we make love. It is very good.

Joe: She knows your whole history.

Jerry: She knows it better than anyone.

Joe: You have a lot to say; a lot of insight. Jerry, I want to thank you very, very much for sharing these very difficult and personal thoughts. I also want to thank you for giving hope to the other guys who are struggling. People need pictures, and you provide the picture of a man who has "been there, done that," and then walked out. This is especially important for all the young kids who think there is no other option.

Jerry: I am glad to share this good news.

Updated: 8 February 2008

Story of a Married Man

Alan Medinger, a leader in the Christian ex-gay movement, originally told this story of his personal struggle in the Exodus Standard. We are reprinting it here.

Mr. Medinger describes a religious experience which freed him from the desire to act out homosexually--a compulsion which once threatened his longtime marriage. Some years would pass, however, before he no longer felt the psychological need for a partner who was a father figure.

This case history is interesting to psychotherapists for its description of family and developmental background, and its illustration of the way unmet emotional needs set the stage for homosexuality. It also illustrates the profound potential of religious commitment in impacting the change process.

ALL THINGS BECAME NEW

By Alan Medinger

(Reprinted from The Exodus Standard, Vol. 13, No. 1, 1966)

During a recent quiet time, the Lord showed me what my life might have been like today. I envisioned myself living alone downtown--lonely and desperate, still going after that which could not satisfy, seeking from other men that which they did not have to give.

Willa, my wife, was living somewhere else, the anger and hurt in her life still hidden beneath the surface. I saw our younger daughter, Beth, daily expressing an anger towards a father who had never understood her needs and who had finally abandoned her. Our older daughter, Laura, carried a deep sadness for a father she loved very much. Our son, Steven, had not been born at all.

But that is not the way my life is. On the night of November 26, 1974, a new man was born. Perhaps it would be more accurate to say that a boy was reborn and started to grow into a man.

In my background were most of the ingredients typically seen as contributing to homosexuality: an unplanned child, parents who were hoping for a girl, an older brother who met the father's ideal more than I, and a father with severe emotional problems which caused him to barely be able to cope with life himself, much less meet the needs of his son. Now I know that these factors did not cause my homosexuality. Rather, my responses to these factors influenced me in that direction.

I suppose I was about twelve years old when I started acting out my homosexual attractions. But, growing up in the 1940s and '50s, there was not a visible gay subculture, a homosexual lifestyle, to which I could aspire. I always assumed I would marry and do the best I could. My wife, Willa, and I had grown up as neighbors, dated through high school, and then in college became more serious.

She was a wonderful, popular girl and I believed we could have a good life together. We were married and things went well in the early years. But about the fifth year of marriage, after two daughters were born and the normal family and career pressures started to build, I again became homosexually active. I was involved for the next ten years.

During those years I believed that, except for this one great, dark area in my life, I had it all together. I was successful in business, was a pillar of the church, and had a wonderful family, including foster children we took in. Theologically, I had it pretty well figured out. All men and women commit sin, and this was my particular area of weakness.

This may be hard for many to understand, but I hated my homosexuality more than anyone could imagine. But even worse was the thought of giving it up. I don't know why. Was I really seeking love from another man? To be worth something to a man? To possess another's manhood? Sex with another man met some need...provided some relief or escape that I felt I had to have.

I figured that if I just kept it moderately under control, God's scorecard on me would tally up in my favor and I would be okay. But everything was not under control. The compulsion was increasing, and my going out became more frequent and reckless.

My marriage was coming apart at the seams. I finally was no longer able to function heterosexually. Willa figured out what the problem was, but decided not to confront me.

My wife, of course, was desperately unhappy during those years. She joined a prayer group of mature Christian women who were true prayer warriors. Although she did not tell them the specific nature of the problem, they started praying for our marriage.

Willa began sensing that she should let go of me. If the marriage were to fall apart, and me with it, she was to let it happen. She was able to let go of me, spiritually and emotionally.

Not long after this, a friend asked me to attend a prayer meeting. I resisted for a long time, but finally agreed to go. He told me, "What the Lord has for you is far better than anything you could imagine." When I heard that, a great peace came over me.

To a casual onlooker, nothing spectacular happened that November night. But inside of me, a great change occurred. As the large group of two or three hundred people were praying and praising God aloud, I quietly surrendered my life, including my homosexuality, to Jesus Christ.

I admitted my helplessness, that my life was a wreck, that I was willing to let Him do whatever He would with my life.

Beginning the following day, I started to recognize that a whole bundle of miracles had occurred. Gone were the homosexual fantasies which seemed to have seldom left my waking mind over the previous twenty-five years. I felt a love for Willa that I never knew was possible.

Perhaps most important of all, God was no longer a faraway scorekeeper. He was a Savior who had come down from His heaven and brought me salvation. Jesus loved me and I loved Him so very much. I knew for the first time what it was to love and be loved in return.

At the time, I felt that God had done a total healing, and it is true that the sexual pull towards other men was gone. But homosexuality is more than having sex with someone of the same gender. Closer to the root is a deep brokenness, almost a stillbirth in our manhood or womanhood. Somehow as a small boy, I had closed a door to my growth into manhood. God helped me open it again.

My conversion marked the resumption of my growth into manhood. God has worked wonderfully to remove my great sense of inadequacy around "straight" men. He has enabled me to become an initiator and a leader, roles which I dreaded at one time. In a beautifully gentle way, God has been shifting the roles my wife and I take, so that I can assume my proper headship in our family.

Because of the sudden nature of my healing from homosexuality, I am often asked, "How complete is your healing ... really?" In reply, I can say it has stood the test of time and has borne the fruit of a blessed marriage. I have not been homosexually tempted during the past ten years. By temptation, I mean seriously desiring or considering a sexual act with another of the same sex. I did carry beyond my initial healing some desire for an older, stronger man to "take care of me." That too is now gone, and I see men as brothers, not as father-protectors.

Naturally, I have avoided literature, movies and other situations which could arouse homosexual lust. When they are encountered, as they will be, or when someone I am counseling describes the circumstances of a sexual fall, it does sometimes give rise to some sexual feelings. However, those are minor and are diminishing with the passing of time.

I may still take a look at a good-looking man, but God has shown me in the past few years that this is based on envy and habits from the past. As I repent and thank God for the way He made me, this is becoming less frequent.

I'm so thankful that the picture of "what might have been" in my life today has not occurred. I am involved in ministry to homosexuals. Willa and I are working together in this ministry and look forward to celebrating our twenty-fifth wedding anniversary. Our two daughters are now in college and Stephen, our son who "would not have been," is eight years old and doing well. And his father loves him very much.

Updated: 3 September 2008

"homosexuality is more than having sex with someone of the same gender. Closer to the root is a deep brokenness, almost a stillbirth in our manhood. Somehow as a small boy, I had closed a door to my growth into manhood. 

       My conversion marked the resumption of my growth into manhood. God has worked wonderfully to remove my great sense of inadequacy around heterosexual men. He has enabled me to become an initiator and a leader; roles which I had previously dreaded. In a beautifully gentle way, God has been shifting the roles my wife and I take, so that I can assume my proper headship in our family. 

       I have not been homosexually tempted during the past twenty-five years. By that, I mean seriously desiring or considering a sexual act with another of the same sex. I did carry beyond my initial healing some desire for an older, stronger man to “take care of me.” That too is now gone, and I see men as brothers, not as father-protectors. 

       For quite a while I might still take a look at a good-looking man, but God showed me that this was based on envy and habits from the past. As I repent of the envy and continued to thank God for the way He made me, this, too, became less frequent. Today, if God were to bring me the best looking man in the world, and say, ‘Here, you can do whatever you want with him.’ My response would be, ‘No thank you, I’m not interested.’ 

       My wife and I have had a wonderful and enjoyable sexual/ romantic relationship since my healing. "

       Alan Medinger   regenbalto@juno.com   Regeneration P.O. Box 9830, Baltimore, MD 21284 USA

The Power of Peer Rejection

Interview with Richard Fitzgibbons, M.D.

by Thomas Gregory, C.S.W.

Dr. Richard Fitzgibbons is Director of Comprehensive Counseling Services in West Conshohocken, Pennsylvania. He has been practicing as a psychiatrist for twenty years, with a specialty in anger management.

Q. Dr. Fitzgibbons, when did you first become aware of NARTH?

A. About two years ago, through Father John Harvey. Father Harvey directs an international Catholic self-help group called Courage, which supports men who are struggling with same-sex attractions. Prior to that, I had done a fair amount of work with Father Harvey, consulting with clergy who have problems with homosexuality.

Q. You have said, in describing male homosexuality, that there are four associated psychological factors. What are they?

A. They are weak masculine identity, which is always the result of developmental trauma; mistrust of women; narcissism; and sexual addiction. I see those as the major conditions associated with male homosexuality.

Many other reparative therapists agree about the weak masculine identity, but my emphasis is a bit different. I focus more on the trauma inflicted on males by their boyhood peers because they were not athletically gifted. Usually, they could not play sports and subsequently were isolated, rejected, and ridiculed from a very early age.

This emphasis doesn't always center on the concept of the rejecting father. Some of these males I've worked with had fathers who accepted them.

For example, I had a new patient today, a college student, who had a fairly good, although not close, relationship with his father. But he never told his parents about the ridicule he experienced. Most kids who get ridiculed by their peers don't tell their parents because they are so terribly embarrassed. This patient's parents were waiting outside to join in the session, but the fellow wouldn't even let me mention the degree of ridicule and isolation he had experienced, or the fear he now has of straight males.

It's weak masculine identity and a tremendous sadness, and a tremendous fear of rejection, that makes these fellows very, very discouraged and hopeless and makes them very vulnerable to highly self-destructive behavior. Like this young man said to me--because I had just asked him about unprotected sex--he said, "Yeah, I engage in it, I don't care."

Q. It sounds almost like a suicidal ideation.

A. It's a certain hopelessness about life. There's a certain fear about never fitting in. By now, the peer rejection has stopped for him; it stopped pretty much by the time this young man got to high school. But there were eight years of pretty significant rejection because he didn't have eye-to-hand coordination, didn't play sports, and was most comfortable in female relationships.

Q. Did the father talk much during the first session?

A. The father was invited in at the end. The son wouldn't let me elaborate to his parents about the childhood trauma. The father is a doctor and--like a lot of fathers--he had worked very hard, both in his practice and teaching at a medical school. And he typically didn't get home until 9 o'clock at night, and he cared about the son, but he just was not ... he was very distant.

Q. How are the parents reacting to the fact that their son is seeking help in therapy?

A. Well, they're happy, but like so many parents, they are afraid of their son acquiring AIDS. And with this young man, there is a very strong possibility that he will acquire AIDS because his severe emotional pain leads him into drug and excessive alcohol use and promiscuous, unprotected sexual behavior. This kid is 19 years old, he knows all about AIDS, he knows how it's acquired...but as he said, he doesn't care.

There is a certain hopelessness that weighs them down, not because of anti-gay cultural pressure--but because of the way they were treated in boyhood, and now, the way they are being treated by the gay community. Although he does feel some sense of acceptance from other gays, they can be as critical of each other as his straight peers were to him in childhood.

So there's naturally not only hopelessness, but a lot of anger. I think a lot of the anger comes out in gay sex practices, like fisting and S & M, because these men have been violated emotionally by other boys in childhood.

I do a lot of work in the area of peer rejection, helping patients understand the depth of what that experience did to them in terms of their masculine identity. We work through it, helping them resolve their anger with the peers who betrayed them. We use a process of forgiveness and then, with a fellow like this or with other fellows, we sometimes use spiritual meditation to get them to reflect, "All right, these peers wounded me...but there was other love for me."

With this patient, I said to him, "Can you tell me any of your positive masculine qualities?" He's a very sharp, bright man. But he said, "No, I can't; I can't tell you any positive masculine qualities within me."

Q. That is sad.

A. He was a very engaging young man. It is very sad. He went to Catholic school for all of his education. So I said, "Do you have any sense that there is a God who's given you some gift?" He shrugged his shoulders. I said, "Well, you know, if you could, that could help you. That could help you if you get some sense, 'I have some masculine gifts that came from a God that made me that way.'"

For someone like him, I would--if he becomes open to it in time--I would present to him the whole healing process of resolving anger through forgiveness, and then using spiritual meditation.

People might say, "What's the basis for that meditation? Aren't you overreacting, bringing spirituality into treatment of emotional disorders?" I cite the doctor at Harvard Medical School named Herbert Benson. Benson has done a lot of work in the area of meditation. Whatever the patient's faith dimension is, he has them meditate in their faith twice a day, and he has had remarkable success in terms of physical healing. So, I encourage my patients to try to meditate twice a day

.

Now a part of the whole healing process can also be the person finding within himself some anger at God. Why wasn't I given athleticism as an ability? Why did I have to be different? Sometimes they have to work through their anger at God. But in my experience, that can be a process to explore that can really strengthen masculine identity and give the person a feeling of having been loved during a time when he didn't feel love, during a time when he felt very afraid.

Q. It can fill a great void, I think.

A. Exactly.

Q. The love of a masculine God is also good for women struggling with this problem--for lesbians.

A. Yes. In my experience, the most common cause of lesbian attraction is mistrust of males either from an angry or alcoholic or abusive father, or having been hurt in a loving relationship with another significant male figure.

The college student I mentioned to you--his dad was a nice guy, but emotionally distant. Really not communicating, couldn't talk much with his son. A very successful professional man, but not terribly successful in his role as a father. In fact, I told this young guy today--I work with some younger boys, as does Dr. George Rekers at the University of South Carolina, using a different approach--but when I see that a young boy doesn't have athletic abilities, I try to get the father very, very involved in his life, try to get him to be very giving and affirming. The father can help his son grow in the belief that he has special masculine qualities--ones that are totally apart from athletic abilities. An involved father can do a lot to override the negative influence coming from other boys.

And sometimes, it's helpful to transfer the boy to another school where the social environment places less emphasis on sports.

Q. We have spoken before about how there are so many young women who turn sexually and romantically to other women today, because there are so many men now who are too narcissistic to relate emotionally to them.

A. Yes. The third most common cause of female homosexuality, as I see it, is simple loneliness--when a woman is waiting for the right guy and she's not able to find him. She's dealing with a lot of guys who are just immature, or weak, or just want to use women. And women become so lonely waiting for that one close friendship, that by default, they "back into" homosexuality. But I think narcissism does play a role in male homosexuality...in terms of the extraordinary promiscuity...maligning people's bodies and using them as objects.

Q. Yes. I've often been struck by looking at some of the gay literature and gay male pornography with its sheer emphasis on simple physicality.

A. Yes. I think many gays have such a weak masculine identity that they want to incorporate the other's masculinity. A lot of gay men crave the other person's body because they reject themselves so much. This is because many of them rejected early on by other boys, and sometimes by their fathers.

Q. How do you proceed with therapy?

A. My work is somewhat similar to work that is done in the treatment of alcoholism. Prior to adding the spiritual approach to the 12 Steps of AA, the treatment of alcoholism did not have a very good recovery rate.

Q. It was not good?

A. No. But when AA turned to a higher power and brought spirituality and God into the treatment, the recovery rate skyrocketed. And I find the same thing. When you can bring in the spiritual component, there's a significant degree of success. The vast majority of the patients I work with, when they persevere and they really work at it, don't give in to the narcissism. The emotional pain, the male insecurity, the mistrust of women, the mistrust of men, greatly diminish and if those emotional pains are healed, the homosexual attractions diminish, and may finally be extinguished.

Q. I think that the spiritual element is a great energizer.

A. It really is. It can feed the emptiness. Like this young man I saw today...I don't know what is going to fill that void of peer acceptance, or of father love, or of mother love. What will fill it?

It is emptiness that fuels so much of the rampant promiscuity and the inability to make a commitment to a relationship. Fewer than 10% of homosexuals can sustain relationships that last three years. Those that do, usually live in "open" relationships. They are open to numerous sexual partners.

Q. Which really isn't any kind of committed relationship at all.

A. No, and it's certainly no kind of relationship to bring an adopted child into.

Q. Has there been opposition to your work?

A. Yes, I've gotten some criticism, I'm sure.

Q. From other professionals, or from gay groups?

A. Not from gay groups, really. From members of P-Flag (Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays). I've gotten some criticism there, and some criticism from clergy who have been brainwashed to think the whole gay issue is, at heart, just a civil-rights issue.

Q. They mix the issues, the civil-rights issue and the emotional health issue.

A. Yes, exactly.

Q. And I think many of them have done it very deliberately. I think the American public at large is very confused about it.

A. Yes. There is a very strong movement within the Roman Catholic Church to undermine the teaching of the Church in the area of sexual morality. Particularly homosexuality. This group is led by New Ways Ministry and Father Bob Nugent. A number of bishops welcome him into their dioceses to give conferences for their clergy, and he really tries to undermine--in a subtle way--the teachings of the Church.

But I think to a lot of younger men especially, the gay lifestyle is really a lifestyle where they are used and abused. Where there is no stable commitment and there is a high risk of dying young, and a high risk of acquiring significant diseases.

Q. And the news media has a tremendous amount of influence, but there are a great many gay activists in the news media, and so it is very difficult to get this message across in television or in the newspapers.

A. Yes. We just had a major, three-day conference in Georgetown on homosexuality sponsored by the American Public Philosophy Institute. There were 35 well-known speakers and the conference was standing-room only, but we had almost no news coverage.

Q. That's amazing.

A. Yes. Almost no news coverage whatsoever. C-SPAN apparently was going to do it, but then they backed out--due, I believe, to pressure from gay groups. So there is a tremendous struggle to get the truth out here. We've got to work on it, because we really have got to protect the young.

We are trying to warn these public school boards in the United States that when they push the homosexual lifestyle as being as normal as the heterosexual lifestyle, their sex-education programs are actively funneling kids into gay support groups. In that process, they are depriving adolescents of informed consent about the promiscuity in that lifestyle, and the likelihood of acquiring STD's and AIDS. According to the book Sexual Ecology, 50% of those living a gay lifestyle may be HIV-positive by the age of 50. And with roughly 40% of gays engaging in unprotected sex, their chances of acquiring AIDS are very, very high.

Also, the problem of lack of stability in gay relationships...none of these things are taught in AIDS awareness programs, or in the new curriculums they are putting into schools. They don't teach the truth to kids about the homosexual lifestyle.

So we think school boards need to be warned that if they don't tell the whole story and these kids acquire AIDS, the Board of Education could be legally liable. It wouldn't surprise me if a parent whose son got AIDS, decided to sue the school board for encouraging their son to go to the Gay Community Services Center before he was old enough to know what he was getting into. In some school districts, AIDS education programs can actually border on recruiting.

Q. There was a big fight several years ago in New York City about the gay curriculum, and it was defeated. And I'm proud to say that several people in my area--my particular area in Queens--were central in that fight, and the fight was won. So it was marvelous.

You have also mentioned in the past about the lack of gender complementarity in gay relationships, and the lowered interest that lack engenders...impelling homosexuals into one liaison after another, to keep themselves feeling alive.

A. Yes. Kirk and Madsen, two homosexual men, wrote a book in 1990 called After the Ball, In it, they said just that: that homosexual sex is inherently boring because there is no complementarity.

Q. That was their statement?

A. Yes. I have handed out sections from that book to some patients I have treated.

Q. And this is a book defending the lifestyle?

A. Yes. Not only does it defend the lifestyle, it is the key book that lays out the civil-rights agenda for the 90's. They said that gays must emphasize to straights that there's no difference between heterosexuals and homosexuals.

A more recent book -- Sexual Ecology, by Gabriel Rotello--clearly describes the destructiveness in the homosexual lifestyle. It is a very important book written by a gay man who has a real passion for the truth. The major problem in spreading of AIDS, as Rotello says, has been group anal sex. That has been the new phenomenon since the sexual revolution of the 60's and 70's, and he's saying, "You can't do that--you've got to be responsible." The key factor in the development of AIDS is the number of sexual partners per year. Although AIDS awareness stresses condoms, it normally doesn't teach restraint against promiscuity.

And a gay lifestyle is a sexual addiction for many of these fellows. They engage in compulsive behavior, and they manifest massive denial about the dangers of their behavior. It is a profound addiction. There is a deep unhappiness. They try to get constant sexual highs to compensate for their unhappiness. It's sad.

Q. And you mention the element of hostility in a lot of sex practices like fisting.

A. Yes. As I said, many male homosexuals were ridiculed earlier by their peers because they weren't good in sports, or perhaps they were rejected by their fathers. A lot of these men have a significant amount of buried anger toward those who have hurt them, and I believe a lot of that anger comes out in sadomasochism and other sex practices. Especially through this technique of fisting, to shove your fist up somebody's rectum. I mean, that is an extraordinarily violent act. And in a lot of the other sadomasochistic behaviors, I think they misdirect the anger that is really meant for others who have hurt them. They also do it in a passive-aggressive way, by engaging in unsafe sex. They don't care. "Let somebody else, besides me, become HIV positive."

Q. How do you approach your patients initially--with the aim that you will help them change their homosexuality?

A. Well, particularly if it is a young person, I talk about the possibility of being exposed to AIDS. That is a major reason for parents asking their children to come and get a different opinion.

Now, most of these youngsters have been programmed by the culture to think homosexuality is genetic. And we know that there is no proven basis for homosexuality being based in the genes or a difference in the brain. An excellent article in Scientific American in November 1995 described the doubts the serious scientific community has about the LeVay and Hamer research.

What I do, is help them look at themselves to see if there was any emotional pain--and almost always there is, for males, almost overwhelming male rejection--except for rare cases where it's a mistrust of female love. And so we talk about the options. One is entering the gay lifestyle, with perhaps a 50% lifetime chance of becoming HIV positive; there's also a considerable risk of acquiring other diseases, and of having a life without a stable commitment.

I don't talk to them specifically about changing the lifestyle. I help them understand the emotional pain that fuels a lot of the compulsive and self-destructive and sadomasochistic behavior in that lifestyle.

Then, they have to make a decision: "What am I going to do? Am I going to see this psychiatrist and look at this emotional pain? Or am I just going to continue in a gay lifestyle?"

The fear of AIDS is motivating a lot of young men to reevaluate the lifestyle, and I think Gabriel Rotello's Sexual Ecology is very frightening...he describes phalanx after phalanx of adolescents coming into the homosexual lifestyle and being mowed down by the extremely irresponsible sexual behavior. He's calling gays to be accountable.

But what he fails to understand is that it is sexual addiction, it is narcissism, and it is emotional conflicts that drive the self-destructive behavior. You can't overcome sexual addiction unless you admit that you have major emotional conflicts.

Rotello seems to think that you can make a decision like, "Just say no." It's not that simple.

Q. No, it's not indeed. The root causes, too, have to be gone into.

A. Like this young man I saw today--he feels profoundly weak in his masculinity every day. He needs that male sexual fix to get a brief high, to get a brief sense of confidence, which never lasts. But if he could work at forgiving the guys who hurt him, and reflect more deeply -- "Wait a minute, it is God who has given me masculine gifts--my masculine gifts come first from God, not from my peers"--well, that understanding can really strengthen masculine identity significantly, and ultimately extinguish the need for this compulsive homosexual behavior.

Q. You mentioned that you had some foreign patients also.

A. I've consulted with some patients on the phone from overseas, yes. Some of them live in South America and England, where the inability to do well in sports caused them a lot of pain with their peers.

Andrew Sullivan in his book, Virtually Normal--he is a so-called Catholic writer who is asking the Church to be open to gay marriages--says, "Look, there really is no difference between a couple using contraceptives (who are not open to having children) and homosexual relationships, so why shouldn't the Church recognize homosexual couples?" It's an interesting argument.

But in the first chapter of his book, he talks painfully about how his peers rejected him at the age of ten, and one girl said to him, "Are you really a boy or are you a girl inside, because you don't play soccer?" So, yes, a lot of the fellows who can't play soccer in Spain or England or Buenos Aires, if you can't play soccer, you're viewed as being less than masculine, unfortunately. Something needs to be done about that in this sports-crazed world. But, yes, it's very traumatic for many fellows, especially in these sports-centered cultures, who don't have that athletic ability.

But like the fellow I saw today, if he had just told his father, maybe his father could have helped him with swimming or running or some other sport in which he could do well. But he kept himself isolated and suffered alone in silence.

Q. This combined approach of psychotherapy plus spiritual counseling--I think this approach has become very popular in the last few years. I spoke to a woman today on the phone who has a homosexual male friend of many years, and she told me that she was surprised to hear that he is going to a spiritual group for psychotherapy. I think the name of the group was Homosexuals Anonymous...

A. Yes, a very good group.

Q. It's here in New York, and I guess it is nationwide also.

A. Yes, it's international.

Q. And she was very surprised because he has been in the lifestyle for a long time, and now he is in this combination of psychotherapy and spiritual counseling. He said to her, "There was just something missing in my life."

A. There's a void.

Q. Yes.

A. A terrible void.

Q. Yes. A tremendous emptiness.

A. Yes...for so many people, there is a real emptiness there. A lot of men feel it. And a lot of men who are not homosexuals never had as much father love as they wanted, and are experiencing various types of conflict because of it. It may not show itself sexually. But for some, it is sexual. A number of guys I work with are heterosexually promiscuous because they feel inadequate and they need to have this constant score, so to speak, with women to boost their masculine identity. That is not unusual at all.

We see a really alarming level of anger in our young people today--in both boys and girls. It's due in part, I think, to the increase in homes without a father. There are so many kids today who live with constant conflict between their divorced or estranged father and mother--these kids are really "orphans with living parents." Many kids, not surprisingly, are extremely angry and are looking for a scapegoat to take it out on.

When fatherless boys grow up, there's often a tremendous hunger for male embrace because they weren't getting it at home. The gay hotlines get a lot of calls from men just hungry for a another man to hold them. Some of them are married, and they're not all necessarily homosexual. I think we're going to see more and more homosexual experimentation by young people, gay and straight, who are still looking for the fatherly love that they didn't get when they were growing up.

Q. How do you help your patients deal with the anger?

A. Letting go of the anger is the key. First, they have to understand the cause of the anger. There's usually been a void of peer acceptance and peer love. Then they have three options: they can deny their anger, express it, or forgive the guys who wronged them. I explain to them that if they hold on to this anger, they will be letting the people who hurt them, control them for the rest of their lives.

The key to forgiving is understanding--understanding why these other kids hurt them. Obviously, these other kids also had a sense of inadequacy that they, themselves, were dealing with.

I also encourage physical activity like jogging and swimming to enhance the patient's sense of well-being, and I encourage healthy non-sexual male relationships. They work on strengthening their masculinity and identifying the positive masculine traits they already possess, which they usually have completely failed to recognize.

In the twenty years I've been in practice, I've seen significant numbers of men resolve their anger over these old peer conflicts, peer inadequacies and peer sadnesses, and then move on to genuinely resolve their homosexual problems.

Updated: 3 September 2008